When I begin to watch movies (which I love), especially those I have seen before, the first thing that comes to mind is, "well I'll have to watch 30 minutes of a lead-up to the best parts." Its like a simple learning and behavorial graph when you try try to teach a dog to sit, speak or stay. At first its slow(er), then all the sudden the curve begins to rise quickly. I mention this because since I am about 99.9% sure I am the only 'follower' or reader of my blog to this point, anyone that begins in the future, should start at the beginning, here, and I can assure you it won't be a slow lead-up. There will be some slow parts, some fast parts, some crazy parts and I HOPE some great ones...we'll see.
This is the beginning of my 1/3 life crisis. We have all heard and read about 'mid-life' crisis. I have even read articles are 1/4 life crisis - when people exit college and have no idea what to do and get stuck. Well what about us professionals who completed college (maybe more than once!), had the great marriage, great job and astounding positive outlook on life at 26-27 and it all disappeared.
For now my name is Nikola Tesla (he is my greatest mentor - he doesn't know it bc unfortunately he died a long time ago but it will make more sense later). My second is Abraham Lincoln - a distant relative, my 6th great uncle to be exact. I am 34 years old, going on 35 and I have know idea what the hell I am doing. I will often allude to my past so let me give you (myself for now and probably forever) a brief overview...
I was born in 1976 to a then 'normal' family. I am now the oldest of 7 but they came in different ways which I'll add to later. I enjoyed a usual childhood, I have memories from time to time that I will mention because they stand out - like when I was 8 and my mother came to my elementary school to tell me the school wanted me to enter the gifted program. We were standing on five steps on a staircase and it was a sunny day. It was a great day. So soon after my parents divorced (I think I was 8-10 not sure and not going to figure it out now), which I think was a good thing - many children of divorced parents will share their feelings in many ways but ours (my siblings and I) was pretty awful. No physical abuse, drugs - my father is an alcoholic but a pretty self abusive one - the kind that says 'I love you' all the time and that is supposed to make it better.. so nothing outstanding, any of that, just emotionally. My mother tried her best to make it better and she is probably the strongest woman I know and I am proud of her for that. My dad didn't try hard to make it better - he ignored it and masked it for the most part, he also was married pretty much a year later to my now stepmother (which we will discuss more later as well). My mom re-married when I was about 15 to a really great man. He didn't have a father for the most part and I identified with this to a great deal - he doesn't really know this - but did a great job as a father figure and continues to. I learn quite a bit from him daily - he doesn't know this either, but I do. They went on to have two more children, my brother who is currently a fresman in college and my sister who will be next fall at my alma mater! They are great as are my first sister who teaches school and my first brother who is a dentist. I'll talk more about them all more I'm sure later.
So this is the point me and my psychologist have tried to figure out and to this day I have no answer. My mother has tried too, everyone has. I made perfect grades through 8th grade - exceeded everyone. Then high school, crash after crash. No I didnt do drugs, drink or engage in bad behaviors - honestly. I was just sad I guess (by the way, I'll never ask for sympathy, thoughts or ideas - feel free to comment - but this is just my life - there are 6 billion+ lives out there right now with as many stories.) So I was sad, I did graduate of course, even with pretty good grades, accepted to several well-known schools, some very excellent ones, and ended up going to where I did. I loved it. I graduated with my first degree in Professional Zoology, then my second in Psychology. My first few years my grades suffered, somehow I picked it up, even graduated with a 3.83 with my psych degree (my zoology degree wasn't as pretty but it was above 3.2, lets leave it there). My goal at that point was to attend grad school in clinical genetics and then Marine Biology - I was even accepted to the PhD program at a very reknown Marine Bio School. To date I never went, I did begin my MS in clinical Psych. Then came the corporate world and corporate allure....
Having pretty much nothing after college, I decided to apply first to a hospital where children (mostly wards of the state) lived. They had severe psychological and developmental disabilities. I enjoyed it there very much. But as I mentioned, then came the business part...I applied on a whim to a major telecomm where I would advance from 20K/yr to almost 70k in three years. I was 26 when I began. I was 31 when I left - albeit voluntarily - it was the beginning of the current recession and voluntary lay-offs were offered - I waited until the 6th (and what would be the final offer before involuntary lay-offs) and took it. Then began the suffering which led to this blog. The 1/3 life crisis, the pain of searching for something I enjoy that also pays the bills, decision after decision...This 'pain' began at 31, it just took me 3+ years to get to writing. I am not a writer but I love to write.
So a little more background to make sense of why I didn't follow my PhD, work, etc. I married in 2005 to who I believed to be a great girl. One of the happiest days of my life was October 12, 2005. I was snorkeling of the NE corner of St. Croix with about two hours of daylight left. My then wife was at the spa. I was probably 200 feet offshore and maybe it was the light, the smell of the water or upcoming dinner (I love to cook and eat and no Im not Jared from subway or pre-subway jared either) it was a moment of bliss. I had kept marine aquarims for the better part of my life and always loved them. I had not been admitted yet to the PhD program, but oh I was going. So back to my 'moment' - I was swimming and dove rather deep - spotted a juvenile Queen Angel - she was beautiful - I can't belive but when I went to net her, I actually got her (PETA stop here - I am a bleeding heart for animals - I have rescued probably 12 cats, a rat, two parakeets, baby birds, squirrels, you name it - much more. I love animals - probably to a fault but thats ok). So why did I net her? Because statistically in this area she about a 10% chance of survival - yes I believe in letting nature take its course but against her will I brought her home - even blew bubbles into a straw in a bag on the flights. People probably thought I was nuts. I raised her for 4 years and eventually donated her to an aquarium where she lives today - happy and huge. Forget you 10% - I'm part of nature too and that was my course.
So about a year after arriving home I took the leap to apply for my PhD - when I was accepted I was elated - it was afterall my dream right? My then wife refused to move to this far away state. She also did some other things - hey I wasn't perfect either but sure wasn't the catalyst. I despondantly replied to the school because I believed family and marriage was sacred. It didnt last and we divorced the following year. I remained at my corporate refuge and travelled all over all the time. All over the USA, Canada, Mexico, Phillipines and others...finally I missed home too much. I had a beautiful home in a smaller suburb of a larger city and even had to have a friend live with me to take care of my many MANY fish and the house due to my travelling. I dated many many girls, for reasons of plenty the relationships ended. I got more and more desperate for money - please know I consider myself a worker bee - I was looking for work everyday - all day, but litle did I know, this was the beginning of a terrible crappy recession. No excuse - just made it much harder to find a good career. It got so bad, I had no money, was forced to adopt out my beloved cats and fish and move home with my parents. Wow - don't do that anyone - I love them to death but there is reason we all move out (or should). That lasted 3 months or so and I had my own little house near a university in my home town. I worked for 2 different companies and couldn't stand either.
This brings us to now...I have a wonderful girlfriend who reminds me everyday I CAN and will make it. She has a son who is inspiring and since I have known her and he - his grades have become excellent and things look up. So why the slump - why the impetus to write this? Well I'm 34, almost 35. Have no job. Feel worthless. Despite the overwhelming love from my gf and my mother and family - for the most part - they aren't me and being me right now sucks. Again - "tell me to cry myself a river", "play the little violen", whatever - until you are in my shoes, it sucks...we all have our problems - so many people are so much worse off than me I know - millions worry about if they will eat - ok thats worse. But to me, right now, I hope, is the bottom. I spend literally all my days applying, sending resumes, trying to actually TALK to a person, get IN FRONT of someone but in today's world, its easier said than done. Im a worker bee as I mentioned and not working is a little like not having enough oxygen. It induces states of panic and disorder. So thats where we are. I laugh thinking I just wrote all this to myself - who knows - I know I find solace in knowing I am not the only one out there, maybe there are more of you...
Enough for a first post but I'll be back everyday until I'm 125 years young (Thats how long I would like to live - I have quite a bit I want to accomplish...
This is the beginning of my 1/3 life crisis. We have all heard and read about 'mid-life' crisis. I have even read articles are 1/4 life crisis - when people exit college and have no idea what to do and get stuck. Well what about us professionals who completed college (maybe more than once!), had the great marriage, great job and astounding positive outlook on life at 26-27 and it all disappeared.
For now my name is Nikola Tesla (he is my greatest mentor - he doesn't know it bc unfortunately he died a long time ago but it will make more sense later). My second is Abraham Lincoln - a distant relative, my 6th great uncle to be exact. I am 34 years old, going on 35 and I have know idea what the hell I am doing. I will often allude to my past so let me give you (myself for now and probably forever) a brief overview...
I was born in 1976 to a then 'normal' family. I am now the oldest of 7 but they came in different ways which I'll add to later. I enjoyed a usual childhood, I have memories from time to time that I will mention because they stand out - like when I was 8 and my mother came to my elementary school to tell me the school wanted me to enter the gifted program. We were standing on five steps on a staircase and it was a sunny day. It was a great day. So soon after my parents divorced (I think I was 8-10 not sure and not going to figure it out now), which I think was a good thing - many children of divorced parents will share their feelings in many ways but ours (my siblings and I) was pretty awful. No physical abuse, drugs - my father is an alcoholic but a pretty self abusive one - the kind that says 'I love you' all the time and that is supposed to make it better.. so nothing outstanding, any of that, just emotionally. My mother tried her best to make it better and she is probably the strongest woman I know and I am proud of her for that. My dad didn't try hard to make it better - he ignored it and masked it for the most part, he also was married pretty much a year later to my now stepmother (which we will discuss more later as well). My mom re-married when I was about 15 to a really great man. He didn't have a father for the most part and I identified with this to a great deal - he doesn't really know this - but did a great job as a father figure and continues to. I learn quite a bit from him daily - he doesn't know this either, but I do. They went on to have two more children, my brother who is currently a fresman in college and my sister who will be next fall at my alma mater! They are great as are my first sister who teaches school and my first brother who is a dentist. I'll talk more about them all more I'm sure later.
So this is the point me and my psychologist have tried to figure out and to this day I have no answer. My mother has tried too, everyone has. I made perfect grades through 8th grade - exceeded everyone. Then high school, crash after crash. No I didnt do drugs, drink or engage in bad behaviors - honestly. I was just sad I guess (by the way, I'll never ask for sympathy, thoughts or ideas - feel free to comment - but this is just my life - there are 6 billion+ lives out there right now with as many stories.) So I was sad, I did graduate of course, even with pretty good grades, accepted to several well-known schools, some very excellent ones, and ended up going to where I did. I loved it. I graduated with my first degree in Professional Zoology, then my second in Psychology. My first few years my grades suffered, somehow I picked it up, even graduated with a 3.83 with my psych degree (my zoology degree wasn't as pretty but it was above 3.2, lets leave it there). My goal at that point was to attend grad school in clinical genetics and then Marine Biology - I was even accepted to the PhD program at a very reknown Marine Bio School. To date I never went, I did begin my MS in clinical Psych. Then came the corporate world and corporate allure....
Having pretty much nothing after college, I decided to apply first to a hospital where children (mostly wards of the state) lived. They had severe psychological and developmental disabilities. I enjoyed it there very much. But as I mentioned, then came the business part...I applied on a whim to a major telecomm where I would advance from 20K/yr to almost 70k in three years. I was 26 when I began. I was 31 when I left - albeit voluntarily - it was the beginning of the current recession and voluntary lay-offs were offered - I waited until the 6th (and what would be the final offer before involuntary lay-offs) and took it. Then began the suffering which led to this blog. The 1/3 life crisis, the pain of searching for something I enjoy that also pays the bills, decision after decision...This 'pain' began at 31, it just took me 3+ years to get to writing. I am not a writer but I love to write.
So a little more background to make sense of why I didn't follow my PhD, work, etc. I married in 2005 to who I believed to be a great girl. One of the happiest days of my life was October 12, 2005. I was snorkeling of the NE corner of St. Croix with about two hours of daylight left. My then wife was at the spa. I was probably 200 feet offshore and maybe it was the light, the smell of the water or upcoming dinner (I love to cook and eat and no Im not Jared from subway or pre-subway jared either) it was a moment of bliss. I had kept marine aquarims for the better part of my life and always loved them. I had not been admitted yet to the PhD program, but oh I was going. So back to my 'moment' - I was swimming and dove rather deep - spotted a juvenile Queen Angel - she was beautiful - I can't belive but when I went to net her, I actually got her (PETA stop here - I am a bleeding heart for animals - I have rescued probably 12 cats, a rat, two parakeets, baby birds, squirrels, you name it - much more. I love animals - probably to a fault but thats ok). So why did I net her? Because statistically in this area she about a 10% chance of survival - yes I believe in letting nature take its course but against her will I brought her home - even blew bubbles into a straw in a bag on the flights. People probably thought I was nuts. I raised her for 4 years and eventually donated her to an aquarium where she lives today - happy and huge. Forget you 10% - I'm part of nature too and that was my course.
So about a year after arriving home I took the leap to apply for my PhD - when I was accepted I was elated - it was afterall my dream right? My then wife refused to move to this far away state. She also did some other things - hey I wasn't perfect either but sure wasn't the catalyst. I despondantly replied to the school because I believed family and marriage was sacred. It didnt last and we divorced the following year. I remained at my corporate refuge and travelled all over all the time. All over the USA, Canada, Mexico, Phillipines and others...finally I missed home too much. I had a beautiful home in a smaller suburb of a larger city and even had to have a friend live with me to take care of my many MANY fish and the house due to my travelling. I dated many many girls, for reasons of plenty the relationships ended. I got more and more desperate for money - please know I consider myself a worker bee - I was looking for work everyday - all day, but litle did I know, this was the beginning of a terrible crappy recession. No excuse - just made it much harder to find a good career. It got so bad, I had no money, was forced to adopt out my beloved cats and fish and move home with my parents. Wow - don't do that anyone - I love them to death but there is reason we all move out (or should). That lasted 3 months or so and I had my own little house near a university in my home town. I worked for 2 different companies and couldn't stand either.
This brings us to now...I have a wonderful girlfriend who reminds me everyday I CAN and will make it. She has a son who is inspiring and since I have known her and he - his grades have become excellent and things look up. So why the slump - why the impetus to write this? Well I'm 34, almost 35. Have no job. Feel worthless. Despite the overwhelming love from my gf and my mother and family - for the most part - they aren't me and being me right now sucks. Again - "tell me to cry myself a river", "play the little violen", whatever - until you are in my shoes, it sucks...we all have our problems - so many people are so much worse off than me I know - millions worry about if they will eat - ok thats worse. But to me, right now, I hope, is the bottom. I spend literally all my days applying, sending resumes, trying to actually TALK to a person, get IN FRONT of someone but in today's world, its easier said than done. Im a worker bee as I mentioned and not working is a little like not having enough oxygen. It induces states of panic and disorder. So thats where we are. I laugh thinking I just wrote all this to myself - who knows - I know I find solace in knowing I am not the only one out there, maybe there are more of you...
Enough for a first post but I'll be back everyday until I'm 125 years young (Thats how long I would like to live - I have quite a bit I want to accomplish...
