That sounds positive right? I really wish this could be a great post, truthfully I'm not sure how I'm even writing it today - missed yesterday but I know my fans will be ok....lol - all zero of them. So for now its my sanity.
This is probably, well is, one of the worst days. So I mentioned earlier 'my psychologist' and how I went through grad studies in clinical psych, want to complete to my PhD n Clinical, well guess what - who better then someone like me. I'm crazy. I am the only one who can call myself that too - I have this thing about it - even jokingly, it hurts me - not exactly sure why but I am the only one who can use that word - 3 psychiatrists and 2 psychologists, 8 years of the medication and they all agree on the same thing - Anxiety disorder (to the hilt), major panic attacks and depression bordering on MDD (major depressive disorder). These are all just words - I dont care what you call it - I worry ALL the time and Im so sad sometimes I cry for a few hours for no reason. So really its that not bad - I once knew a 6 year old who had killed his sister (in the chidlren's facility I worked at in Grad school), an autistic girl who beat herself (almost) unrecognizebly, and many MANY other cases - so I know it can be worse - lots worse - the problem with that is again, its in the eye of the beholder - to me, my anxiety is so bad and depression makes standing up a chore, that life in general on days like today are terrible. You see I ran out of my medication and can not afford it until likely tomorrow on...(having to liquidate my 401k, pensions, unemployment, selling anything of real value to survive) as I am waiting for checks to arrive. So I took my last 2mg alprazolam this afternoon. Its a scary feeling knowing that the most comfortable feeling is looking at my med box and seeing it full. I take 4mg alprazolam XR and 100mg Pristiq daily. I have been on the same does of xanax for over 6 years. The Pristiq is fairly new - tried cymbalta, effexor, others...I liked cymbalta the best - I think I will be suggesting that when I see my doc again. So thats all - not a million pills a day (hell my grandparents take about 15 I think - my parents probably take more vitamins - I dont know).
Whats the worst part about having this - lets see what should we call it - clinically we say disorders, diseases, hurdles to life (hurdles that unfortunately are in concrete - and immovable) so lets just say 'my issues' - anyway the worst part - believe it or not, its not the meds, even missing a day or two (as I am about to do) - its knowing that your loved ones - in my case my mother and therefore likely stepfather - think that taking meds is 'a waste'. My mother and I even went to joint counseling and the psychologist (who happens to be a close family friend and I was concerned would have preconceived notions or loyalties to my mother) even told my mother "He DOESN'T need to get off these - not now - maybe when things in life are in order we can try but there is nothing wrong with them". She didn't listen. I still hear her say 'why do you still take those' - maybe because I am a RAVING lunatic or believes wendy's poisons my cheeseburger and am CONVINCED of it, also I have a gas leak in the house, my car leaks gas - I can tell myself ALL day that none of these things are true - I can be obsessive and check them 20 times - I really can, but I can't bring myself to actually believe it. I've had these problems all my life. My genetics read like a 30 page supporting documentation for a PhD thesis to support my 'issues'. Both on my mother's side and father's. See the funny thing is when I got married and had a great job, my family was unaware of any medication - when things were "good" - albeit for a short while, no one questioned me. I didnt even tell them until 2 years ago - then all of the sudden they think the meds are the issue - strange how things work - they sure didnt think that when I was married and making 6 figures.
You would think in todays world one would understand the physical 'abnormalities' or differences in a genetic code that would result in a 'me' person. My mother is just too stubborn. My second sister has a serious skeletal disorder. My parents believe that - is it because they can see it on an x-ray? What makes her condition more 'believeable'? So bones can have problems but brains are perfect? They are ALL wired perfectly and if you just 'try had enough' you can be happy and healthy? I do believe that a positive outlook makes a resounding difference in health. However if a person's leg is blown off - just "believing" it will grow back won't make it - it won't - thats a fact. I know Im being extreme but what if wiring (or more specifically receptors in the brain) are transmitting improperly - you think just "believing" that the brain will re-wire itself and transmit better will do it? Nope. I generally (80%+) look on the bright side. Its not helping me with my 'issues'.
So today is a bad day - I even received a call from a person at a large pharmaceutical company inquiring about my resume and extensive experience in Project Management. I am looking forward to hearing from her. I would be able to combine my Project Management experience into a healthcare environment. I'm glad she is not reading this because although I want and need the career more than anything - truly - I just don't care. I don't care about anything right now. By the way, yes I think about suicide often but I can honestly say I have never reached the planning part and certainly would never do it. Its a selfish act that only hurts those around the person doing it. Im not much for cutting either. Not even an alcoholic or drug addict (besides my pristiq and aprazolam - but the same dosage on the latter which is the addictve one for so long? Not my biggest concern). Its weird how I don't turn to 'substances' or 'medicate myself'. My father sure does. My mother's side of the family certainly did and some still do.
So until I get some readers on here, I'm afraid its just me, the cats, my gf and lemonade. Doesn't really help to get that out - just if anyone has doubts that psychological problems are real - trust me - THEY ARE.
Any way - thats the worst part - knowing your family who is supposed to be intelligent and open to the world - thinks my 'issues' can be solved just by 'getting over it'. They are wonderful - please don't confuse that and also very generous and incredibly loving. They just don't get the 'crazy' part which unfortunately for me is one of the biggest parts of my life - why don't they?
More job searching. More submitting resumes. More calling and trying to make appointments....
It can always get worse and it can always get better - I'll let you know tomorrow. By you I mean Carlos and Clover (the cats - Carlos named for the baby in the movie 'the Hangover' - hilarious and Clover bc she is lucky I found her in a storm drain in a storm over a year ago now and saved her) - my gf already knows all this so nothing new to her...She is great to put up with this - she has a friend who is a bit older - later 30's and whose husband is much older than her (around 50) and he has severe psychological problems - and refuses meds - he has spied on her, had her followed, video'ed - you name it - seriously paranoid and more bi-polar (as in truly) - thing is the girl would never do anything to hurt him but he believes she will...belief or lack thereof is powerful.
Maybe I'll write more later but for now, time to work. Meow!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The Weekend (when you are supposed to having fun!)...
This began (2 long episodes ago) has a plea to anyone - really me just talking to myself, that having this crisis at age 34 is a major killjoy. To catch up, its all in the previous posts.
So what do job-seekers and people in a 1/3 life crisis mode do on the weekends? Well we search for jobs and are yes, still in crisis mode. Sure a little red wine helps, but finding a career is a seven day a week ordeal. We don't get days or hours off. Sure we can take them but what good is that. Don't get me wrong, I do take breaks from time to time to relax - yesterday I planted seeds in the garden pots which will eventually be transplanted. I love being outside - I am a firm believer that no matter what your situation, you MUST take as much time as you cab afford (be it 1 minute or 10 hrs or 2 weeks, enjoying the world - looking at the bright side - watching a pond ripple). Today I mowed probably 2 miles of trails at our farm. Mowing is actually very therapeutic (sic - not looking it up) for me. I enjoy all th trails around the ponds and wooded areas and know that soon, all the fields will be grown up higher than my head and the trails will be a wonderful get-away for fishing, picnics or just exploring. It was a great day. Yes I also go through my Linked-In, Monster account and all the emails I receive seeing if anything matches - NO, assistant shift manager at Arby's 16 miles away isn't a match (nothing wrong with fast food joints and hell they are jobs, but when you factor in my time, gas, and of course my incredible salary, or hourly in this case, I break even and lets face it, I wouldnt stay). Search engines need to try a little harder on the match thing - god knows I am looking.
I am finished for this evening. I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to print a $1 off cat litter coupon for our two cats to try to save money. Its amazing how much time and effort we will waste to do such things. Factor in the electricity to run this computer, internet (which is a must have to find a job - oh and print coupons), time it took me when I could have been doing something more productive and I bet that $1 just wasn't really worth it. To top it off, my gf left without the coupon... Oh I have to laugh...what desperate measures will cause one to do...
So this episode is short this lovely warm evening. People are grilling outside. Its quiet, my eyes are burning from the dust from mowing but its worth it!
More writing soon and thanks to my gf for reading this - so far no one seems to identify yet with me...are you out there - anyone (cricket). Between leftovers and redbox it should actually be a pleasant evening....
So what do job-seekers and people in a 1/3 life crisis mode do on the weekends? Well we search for jobs and are yes, still in crisis mode. Sure a little red wine helps, but finding a career is a seven day a week ordeal. We don't get days or hours off. Sure we can take them but what good is that. Don't get me wrong, I do take breaks from time to time to relax - yesterday I planted seeds in the garden pots which will eventually be transplanted. I love being outside - I am a firm believer that no matter what your situation, you MUST take as much time as you cab afford (be it 1 minute or 10 hrs or 2 weeks, enjoying the world - looking at the bright side - watching a pond ripple). Today I mowed probably 2 miles of trails at our farm. Mowing is actually very therapeutic (sic - not looking it up) for me. I enjoy all th trails around the ponds and wooded areas and know that soon, all the fields will be grown up higher than my head and the trails will be a wonderful get-away for fishing, picnics or just exploring. It was a great day. Yes I also go through my Linked-In, Monster account and all the emails I receive seeing if anything matches - NO, assistant shift manager at Arby's 16 miles away isn't a match (nothing wrong with fast food joints and hell they are jobs, but when you factor in my time, gas, and of course my incredible salary, or hourly in this case, I break even and lets face it, I wouldnt stay). Search engines need to try a little harder on the match thing - god knows I am looking.
I am finished for this evening. I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to print a $1 off cat litter coupon for our two cats to try to save money. Its amazing how much time and effort we will waste to do such things. Factor in the electricity to run this computer, internet (which is a must have to find a job - oh and print coupons), time it took me when I could have been doing something more productive and I bet that $1 just wasn't really worth it. To top it off, my gf left without the coupon... Oh I have to laugh...what desperate measures will cause one to do...
So this episode is short this lovely warm evening. People are grilling outside. Its quiet, my eyes are burning from the dust from mowing but its worth it!
More writing soon and thanks to my gf for reading this - so far no one seems to identify yet with me...are you out there - anyone (cricket). Between leftovers and redbox it should actually be a pleasant evening....
Friday, April 1, 2011
What does the antiquated yet still utilized 'SOS' actually stand for?
The three letters SOS by themselves technically stand for nothing. When used together in morse code (an easy three dots, three dashes and three dots), it is simply a signal or plea for help originally used first in 1909 by the Arapahoe (not the Titanic first as widely believed) and later replaced by the currently used 'Mayday'. Many people have assigned the words, 'Save our Ship' or Save our Souls' among others, to give the term a more understandable meaning.
So why the history lesson on April Fool's day of this so far un-read blog? (my only "follower" is my girlfriend - who I applaud for even wanting to read this mess - isn't she great?) Quite simply that is what I (and I am sure many others) are saying! SOS! When a ship begins to get into trouble and sinking is imminent, I sincerely doubt everyone stands on the deck and plays cards. They pump out the water, get rid of excess weight - in short they try to save their ship! Sure they send out the signal because they know they need help...its no different for me or those other 1/3 life crisis people not reading this. We throw out the signal and in the meantime, think of and act on every possible scenario to keep us afloat.
I am a certified Private Pilot since 2001 (I know - the FAA gave ME a license??) and if my engine dies at 8000ft, I'm not going to reach into my flight bag for my diet dr. pepper and think, "Wow this tastes good, almost like regular dr. pepper - wait I can't tell the difference". If I did think that, those would probably be my last thoughts and I'm not ready to go yet. I am going to follow (or probably forget) everything I learned in flight school and get that plane on the ground safely, (left to right, left to right - the way my instructor taught me to check everything and get the plane restarted)!!
In my case today, SOS means exhausting every last avenue for a career, opportunity - way to bring in income to keep myself alive! Keep my brain active, take time to smell the roses, enjoy the beauty of running water and deep oceans! I sometimes ask myself why I didn't just ditch it all and go live in a cave in Daniel Suelo - a man who in a nutshell gave up everything in 2000 and lives in a cave in Utah, scavenges dumpsters, searches for food among the underbrush and finds animals (dead or alive) for meals. A college educated, presumably intelligent individual doing this seems crazy to many people - and to me, to some extent, it does as well. It is an extreme. Why? Simply because he represents a statistical outlier in the world of human existence. This isn't a good or bad thing. I admire him for persevering through his life as much as I do those who work three jobs in urban America to support their children or families. Who are we to say the rich or the destitute don't deserve what they have or lack and where they are in the world? There is no finite definition to much of what is said here. The truth is that there is always the exception and always the rule. An argument can be equally demonstrated on both sides of the table if one is well-educated.
That all said, what I want, I deserve just like what anyone in the world wants, they deserve. Sure many may give up this right by doing something to hinder their futures and yes some people are born into awful situations and find that they are forced into what they do and can only dream of a better world. I often think about what I was born into and why. How did I come to live in the United States with the family I did? What is my purpose in life? How did I even know to ask that question? Ok I'll stop on the philosophical and existentialism rants....for now.
I also wanted to explain two names in relation to my writing. Nikola Tesla and Mordecai Lincoln. Tesla is the father of modern day alternating current among hundreds if not thousands of other inventions - anyone with half a brain can look that up. Patents were reversed as recent as 1999 against Edison for stealing Tesla's works. Not to say Edison wasn't a brilliant inventor, I personally hold Tesla higher in terms of integrity. He was also probably, at least to some degree, was "mentally interesting" - not that this is bad thing at all. I consider myself a little on the line (over the line on some days) but I also like to think that with a little mental instability (I call it inspiration), comes brilliance. I admire Tesla for taking the many chances he did including moving all the way from his native Serbia in the Austrian empire (modern-day Croatia) to Colorado Springs. Imagine that move more than a hundred years ago! A personal goal of mine is to visit his laboratory in Colorado one day. Just to stand where he may have once stood, maybe I'll see a little better. As for Mordecai Lincoln, there have been many with this name. The one I refer to and use as a pen name to this blog along with Tesla's, is a direct relative and descends from the same lineage as President Lincoln, specifically Pres. Lincoln's father, Thomas. My grandmother researched long ago, before computers and of course the internet, a chart that shares my name along with the greatest President our country ever saw. My first response to that is what an honor it is to share such a legacy and wow do I need to step it up a bit to fill his size 14 shoes. My second thought is it's too bad I can't use President Lincoln as a personal reference on my current applications - I might have actually received a few emails or callbacks by now - or they would think I was delusional. As for my real identity, does anyone really care? Unless of course you are a prospective employer, I'll be more than happy to share!
So off I go to finish my daily scouring for jobs, checking final emails, making phone calls. I read an article early this morning that said (according to their study - remember I studied psychology and statistics to a high degree and everything I read I scrutinize) people who are in jobs they highly dislike are actually more stressed and unhappy than those who unwillingly are unemployed as measured by higher cortisol levels and low levels of blood glucocorticoids. At least those very unhappy stressed out people can pay their bills right? I wonder if they go home to their significant others (if they have any) and are as stressed out as I am when mine comes home? The upside is according to the study, my bones aren't decreasing in mass as fast as theirs. I'm pretty sure stress is in the eye of the beholder.
It's Friday - its beautiful and sunny - I don't think I've seen the sun for (at least what feels like) weeks - for those of you who aren't reading this (everyone but my girlfriend) that are fortunate enough to work, you just may have two days off! Go play outside!
Just remember, "Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." ~Henry David Thoreau.
When I go fishing this weekend (which I often love to do at a farm I know), I'm sure I'll think of Thoreau and hopefully if I catch anything, it won't be a fish.
So why the history lesson on April Fool's day of this so far un-read blog? (my only "follower" is my girlfriend - who I applaud for even wanting to read this mess - isn't she great?) Quite simply that is what I (and I am sure many others) are saying! SOS! When a ship begins to get into trouble and sinking is imminent, I sincerely doubt everyone stands on the deck and plays cards. They pump out the water, get rid of excess weight - in short they try to save their ship! Sure they send out the signal because they know they need help...its no different for me or those other 1/3 life crisis people not reading this. We throw out the signal and in the meantime, think of and act on every possible scenario to keep us afloat.
I am a certified Private Pilot since 2001 (I know - the FAA gave ME a license??) and if my engine dies at 8000ft, I'm not going to reach into my flight bag for my diet dr. pepper and think, "Wow this tastes good, almost like regular dr. pepper - wait I can't tell the difference". If I did think that, those would probably be my last thoughts and I'm not ready to go yet. I am going to follow (or probably forget) everything I learned in flight school and get that plane on the ground safely, (left to right, left to right - the way my instructor taught me to check everything and get the plane restarted)!!
In my case today, SOS means exhausting every last avenue for a career, opportunity - way to bring in income to keep myself alive! Keep my brain active, take time to smell the roses, enjoy the beauty of running water and deep oceans! I sometimes ask myself why I didn't just ditch it all and go live in a cave in Daniel Suelo - a man who in a nutshell gave up everything in 2000 and lives in a cave in Utah, scavenges dumpsters, searches for food among the underbrush and finds animals (dead or alive) for meals. A college educated, presumably intelligent individual doing this seems crazy to many people - and to me, to some extent, it does as well. It is an extreme. Why? Simply because he represents a statistical outlier in the world of human existence. This isn't a good or bad thing. I admire him for persevering through his life as much as I do those who work three jobs in urban America to support their children or families. Who are we to say the rich or the destitute don't deserve what they have or lack and where they are in the world? There is no finite definition to much of what is said here. The truth is that there is always the exception and always the rule. An argument can be equally demonstrated on both sides of the table if one is well-educated.
That all said, what I want, I deserve just like what anyone in the world wants, they deserve. Sure many may give up this right by doing something to hinder their futures and yes some people are born into awful situations and find that they are forced into what they do and can only dream of a better world. I often think about what I was born into and why. How did I come to live in the United States with the family I did? What is my purpose in life? How did I even know to ask that question? Ok I'll stop on the philosophical and existentialism rants....for now.
I also wanted to explain two names in relation to my writing. Nikola Tesla and Mordecai Lincoln. Tesla is the father of modern day alternating current among hundreds if not thousands of other inventions - anyone with half a brain can look that up. Patents were reversed as recent as 1999 against Edison for stealing Tesla's works. Not to say Edison wasn't a brilliant inventor, I personally hold Tesla higher in terms of integrity. He was also probably, at least to some degree, was "mentally interesting" - not that this is bad thing at all. I consider myself a little on the line (over the line on some days) but I also like to think that with a little mental instability (I call it inspiration), comes brilliance. I admire Tesla for taking the many chances he did including moving all the way from his native Serbia in the Austrian empire (modern-day Croatia) to Colorado Springs. Imagine that move more than a hundred years ago! A personal goal of mine is to visit his laboratory in Colorado one day. Just to stand where he may have once stood, maybe I'll see a little better. As for Mordecai Lincoln, there have been many with this name. The one I refer to and use as a pen name to this blog along with Tesla's, is a direct relative and descends from the same lineage as President Lincoln, specifically Pres. Lincoln's father, Thomas. My grandmother researched long ago, before computers and of course the internet, a chart that shares my name along with the greatest President our country ever saw. My first response to that is what an honor it is to share such a legacy and wow do I need to step it up a bit to fill his size 14 shoes. My second thought is it's too bad I can't use President Lincoln as a personal reference on my current applications - I might have actually received a few emails or callbacks by now - or they would think I was delusional. As for my real identity, does anyone really care? Unless of course you are a prospective employer, I'll be more than happy to share!
So off I go to finish my daily scouring for jobs, checking final emails, making phone calls. I read an article early this morning that said (according to their study - remember I studied psychology and statistics to a high degree and everything I read I scrutinize) people who are in jobs they highly dislike are actually more stressed and unhappy than those who unwillingly are unemployed as measured by higher cortisol levels and low levels of blood glucocorticoids. At least those very unhappy stressed out people can pay their bills right? I wonder if they go home to their significant others (if they have any) and are as stressed out as I am when mine comes home? The upside is according to the study, my bones aren't decreasing in mass as fast as theirs. I'm pretty sure stress is in the eye of the beholder.
It's Friday - its beautiful and sunny - I don't think I've seen the sun for (at least what feels like) weeks - for those of you who aren't reading this (everyone but my girlfriend) that are fortunate enough to work, you just may have two days off! Go play outside!
Just remember, "Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." ~Henry David Thoreau.
When I go fishing this weekend (which I often love to do at a farm I know), I'm sure I'll think of Thoreau and hopefully if I catch anything, it won't be a fish.
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