That sounds positive right? I really wish this could be a great post, truthfully I'm not sure how I'm even writing it today - missed yesterday but I know my fans will be ok....lol - all zero of them. So for now its my sanity.
This is probably, well is, one of the worst days. So I mentioned earlier 'my psychologist' and how I went through grad studies in clinical psych, want to complete to my PhD n Clinical, well guess what - who better then someone like me. I'm crazy. I am the only one who can call myself that too - I have this thing about it - even jokingly, it hurts me - not exactly sure why but I am the only one who can use that word - 3 psychiatrists and 2 psychologists, 8 years of the medication and they all agree on the same thing - Anxiety disorder (to the hilt), major panic attacks and depression bordering on MDD (major depressive disorder). These are all just words - I dont care what you call it - I worry ALL the time and Im so sad sometimes I cry for a few hours for no reason. So really its that not bad - I once knew a 6 year old who had killed his sister (in the chidlren's facility I worked at in Grad school), an autistic girl who beat herself (almost) unrecognizebly, and many MANY other cases - so I know it can be worse - lots worse - the problem with that is again, its in the eye of the beholder - to me, my anxiety is so bad and depression makes standing up a chore, that life in general on days like today are terrible. You see I ran out of my medication and can not afford it until likely tomorrow on...(having to liquidate my 401k, pensions, unemployment, selling anything of real value to survive) as I am waiting for checks to arrive. So I took my last 2mg alprazolam this afternoon. Its a scary feeling knowing that the most comfortable feeling is looking at my med box and seeing it full. I take 4mg alprazolam XR and 100mg Pristiq daily. I have been on the same does of xanax for over 6 years. The Pristiq is fairly new - tried cymbalta, effexor, others...I liked cymbalta the best - I think I will be suggesting that when I see my doc again. So thats all - not a million pills a day (hell my grandparents take about 15 I think - my parents probably take more vitamins - I dont know).
Whats the worst part about having this - lets see what should we call it - clinically we say disorders, diseases, hurdles to life (hurdles that unfortunately are in concrete - and immovable) so lets just say 'my issues' - anyway the worst part - believe it or not, its not the meds, even missing a day or two (as I am about to do) - its knowing that your loved ones - in my case my mother and therefore likely stepfather - think that taking meds is 'a waste'. My mother and I even went to joint counseling and the psychologist (who happens to be a close family friend and I was concerned would have preconceived notions or loyalties to my mother) even told my mother "He DOESN'T need to get off these - not now - maybe when things in life are in order we can try but there is nothing wrong with them". She didn't listen. I still hear her say 'why do you still take those' - maybe because I am a RAVING lunatic or believes wendy's poisons my cheeseburger and am CONVINCED of it, also I have a gas leak in the house, my car leaks gas - I can tell myself ALL day that none of these things are true - I can be obsessive and check them 20 times - I really can, but I can't bring myself to actually believe it. I've had these problems all my life. My genetics read like a 30 page supporting documentation for a PhD thesis to support my 'issues'. Both on my mother's side and father's. See the funny thing is when I got married and had a great job, my family was unaware of any medication - when things were "good" - albeit for a short while, no one questioned me. I didnt even tell them until 2 years ago - then all of the sudden they think the meds are the issue - strange how things work - they sure didnt think that when I was married and making 6 figures.
You would think in todays world one would understand the physical 'abnormalities' or differences in a genetic code that would result in a 'me' person. My mother is just too stubborn. My second sister has a serious skeletal disorder. My parents believe that - is it because they can see it on an x-ray? What makes her condition more 'believeable'? So bones can have problems but brains are perfect? They are ALL wired perfectly and if you just 'try had enough' you can be happy and healthy? I do believe that a positive outlook makes a resounding difference in health. However if a person's leg is blown off - just "believing" it will grow back won't make it - it won't - thats a fact. I know Im being extreme but what if wiring (or more specifically receptors in the brain) are transmitting improperly - you think just "believing" that the brain will re-wire itself and transmit better will do it? Nope. I generally (80%+) look on the bright side. Its not helping me with my 'issues'.
So today is a bad day - I even received a call from a person at a large pharmaceutical company inquiring about my resume and extensive experience in Project Management. I am looking forward to hearing from her. I would be able to combine my Project Management experience into a healthcare environment. I'm glad she is not reading this because although I want and need the career more than anything - truly - I just don't care. I don't care about anything right now. By the way, yes I think about suicide often but I can honestly say I have never reached the planning part and certainly would never do it. Its a selfish act that only hurts those around the person doing it. Im not much for cutting either. Not even an alcoholic or drug addict (besides my pristiq and aprazolam - but the same dosage on the latter which is the addictve one for so long? Not my biggest concern). Its weird how I don't turn to 'substances' or 'medicate myself'. My father sure does. My mother's side of the family certainly did and some still do.
So until I get some readers on here, I'm afraid its just me, the cats, my gf and lemonade. Doesn't really help to get that out - just if anyone has doubts that psychological problems are real - trust me - THEY ARE.
Any way - thats the worst part - knowing your family who is supposed to be intelligent and open to the world - thinks my 'issues' can be solved just by 'getting over it'. They are wonderful - please don't confuse that and also very generous and incredibly loving. They just don't get the 'crazy' part which unfortunately for me is one of the biggest parts of my life - why don't they?
More job searching. More submitting resumes. More calling and trying to make appointments....
It can always get worse and it can always get better - I'll let you know tomorrow. By you I mean Carlos and Clover (the cats - Carlos named for the baby in the movie 'the Hangover' - hilarious and Clover bc she is lucky I found her in a storm drain in a storm over a year ago now and saved her) - my gf already knows all this so nothing new to her...She is great to put up with this - she has a friend who is a bit older - later 30's and whose husband is much older than her (around 50) and he has severe psychological problems - and refuses meds - he has spied on her, had her followed, video'ed - you name it - seriously paranoid and more bi-polar (as in truly) - thing is the girl would never do anything to hurt him but he believes she will...belief or lack thereof is powerful.
Maybe I'll write more later but for now, time to work. Meow!
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